My Any Time Wish List

Not that I expect anyone to buy me anything, but if you would like to this makes it easier.

• Gift card to Fashion Bug or Lane Bryant.
• "The Lake House" DVD
• "50 First Dates" DVD
  
• Need to Breath" the Heat" CD http://www.needtobreathe.net/

I think that is everything, if I think of more I will update this blog and let you know.

Forgiveness

Let me start by saying for the last year and a half I have had some trouble with forgiveness, especially with one person. Most of you know My Father and I do not have the best relationship, and about a year and a half ago he broke my trust for the fourth time in the same way in less than a year. After many promises of never going to do/say this again, and my forgiving this many times and starting over from scratch. I finding it very very hard to move past it this time and trust again. That is the biggest road block, TRUST, I just can't seem to trust him again. This makes me feel increasingly more guilty. As it says in Matthew 18:21-23 "Then came Peter to him, and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? Till seven times? Jesus saith unto him, 'I say not unto thee, Until seven times: Until seventy times seven.' " Why is this so hard for me? I want to forgive and forget and give us a new start but I am just unable to move on. Then I read in Luke 17:3 "Take heed to yourselves: If thy brother trespass against thee, rebuke him; and if he repent, forgive him." What if he has repented and you know it is only because he wants to sneak back into your life to try and control it or manipulate me? Not because he is truly sorry. I am a much happier woman when he is not around and when he drops by unannounced or follows me to the store just to "talk" I get super irritated and become very short with him, almost as if I can't control it. Ephesians 6:2-4 says " Honor your Father and your Mother"- this is the first commandment with a promise: " so that it may be well with you and you live long on earth." I have had this commandment hurled at me more times than I can count, as if this is the way it has to be period. But it goes on to say; "And Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord" I had never heard this part of the passage until one day at church, I felt vindicated! This had never been told to me because it would not serve his purpose, to control and manipulate me. The last time he said this to me (about a week ago) I was able to respond with the last part of the passage and explain to him how I felt he had done exactly the opposite of what it said to do. Mark 11:25-26; "Whenever you stand praying, forgive, if you have anything against anyone; so that your Father in heaven may also forgive you your trespasses. But if you do not forgive, neither will your Father in heaven forgive your trespasses." This worries me a bit because I have not been able to forgive him for so long now.

So now I embark upon a journey of forgiveness and try to trust again. This is very hard for me, how do you trust someone who has broken that trust time and time again? How do you trust and respect someone who demands it? I was always told trust and respect are earned and you are not entitled to it, he seems to think he is entitled to it no matter what he has or has not done. I am not assuming this, he has told this to me on many occasions. Do I just go ahead and forgive, and start over again? What happens if this happens again? Why Lord do I have to be so forgiving? Can my heart take this again? Will I ever be able to be in the same room with him again and not feel like I want to scream at him how much I don't like being around him? How I wish he would just go away and never return. I don't want this to happen, but in that moment I do. I love my Father and it hurts me that I can't move past this and have a true Father Daughter relationship that I see my other girlfriends have with there Fathers. I know every family has their issues but more times than not I find myself saying, why can't my Dad be like that Dad? Loving not controlling, kind not manipulative, uplifting not neigh saying.

I know I'm putting my heart out on my sleeve, but how else would I get some help/advice without asking?